English As My Second Language
While it’s true that languages evolve over time, I didn’t realize in the short five years since I’ve been away, the English language has become barely comprehensible to me.
Roaming the busy streets of Manhattan, I picked up a Learning Annex flier. Another change I’ve noticed is that all you need is a plunging neckline in a V-neck sweater, lots of hair, and gleaming-white teeth to make a KILLING in real estate.
If only I’d been born a big-busted woman, I be raking it in scooping up foreclosures instead of ice cream!
On another page, a gentleman promised to ‘Unveil the Great Questions of the Universe’ for the low price of only $39. Now that, my friends, seems like the deal-of-the-century. Unfortunately I won’t be here and I’ll miss it, but if anyone goes, please let me know the answers. We can split it 50-50 and I’ll just have to be content with knowing a mere half of the secrets of the universe.
One I’d like to know is how Donald Trump keeps what’s left of his hair locked so firmly in place.
Other seminars include—and I’m not making any of these up—Knocking Yourself Up: How to Become a Single Mom (which they note is “For women only”, which seems obvious…unless something else has changed around here that I’m not aware of), How To Think Like a Thin Person (frankly, I don’t see the appeal of thinking like Kate Moss), Make Your Apartment 20% Bigger, How To Date Out of Your League (Does that mean anyone outside the NFL can date Tom Brady?), and my favorite, The Secret in Your Home.
That seminar promises you’ll learn…
Am not sure what a visionboard is—do they sell them at Bed, Bath and Beyond?
And if I changed the position of my desk in my tiny Paris apartment, the only difference it would make would be that I wouldn’t be able to go outside anymore since the door would be blocked, which perhaps would require the support of my environment, which would be squarely in my personal success direction.
But maybe if I placed my visionboard in line with my dreams, and manifest them, I could reach into the outer universe.
Which would be right in line with my mastery of the universe.
