Ten Thoughts For The Weekend

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1. I would like to state, once and for all, to clear up the persistent rumors: It was indeed a Grilled Cheese Sandwich.

2. I became a Treehugger.

3. I learned that if your French doctor prescribes suppositories, it’s not a good idea to take one just before going to yoga.

4. Am I the only one that hopes that if Star Jones Reynolds keeps losing weight, she’ll eventually disappear for good?

5. The Good News: I discovered that Amazon just started carrying high-quality frozen passion fruit puree from an excellent source.
The Bad News: They don’t deliver to Paris.

6. I found a great method for using up my mini-marshmallows.

7. Pim’s coming to town.

8. Will Tom and Katie, Charlie and Denise, and Britney and Kevin just divorce already, so I can finally move on with my life?

9. There’s a new product that can change everything, everywhere.

(Be sure to check out the voicemail “Testimonials” too.)

10. Please help me explain to my French friends: Martha Stewart, foods designed specifically to be eaten while driving, Betty Crocker, “The Customer Is Always Right”, The B-52’s, why public schools need to hold bake sales, a treehugger, the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Rocky Road Ice Cream, and the electoral college?


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Categories: Whining

30 comments

    • michèle

    Dude, its Britney, not Brittany.. and Tom and Katie aren’t even married yet.

    • Kevin

    David,
    I’d be glad to help with your explanations if you can first explain the electoral college to me.

    • Alisa

    Ha! I meant to tell you before…..I went to the pharmacy for a cough remedy and she recommended a suppository. I say, “um NO, got anything else” and with a grouchy face she begrudgingly says “we have this syrup”. It worked like a charm.

    We here in the 15th do “Le Vente de Gâteau” about 4 times a year. (my chocolate chip pecan cookies move fast). As for explaining all the rest, I’ll help when I can, but you have a long road ahead of you. First I have to stop laughing about the product that will change everything!!!!

    • David

    Michèle: If Tom and Katie aren’t married, then explain to me how could they have had a baby?

    Alisa: Now you know what to get me for my birthday!

    Kevin: That one’s easy. It’s a system designed to make sure the less-qualified person can be elected.

    • michèle

    Science my dear David. Oh and an alien mothership.

    • Matt

    Oh my god David this has made me love you even more, just when I didn’t think it was possible. I can’t stop laughing. Holy crap.

    Seriously.

    • Jeanne

    LOL! The B-52s need no explanation, They Just Are. And when I figure out how to explain to the Brits that the customer is always right, I’ll lend you a hand across the Channel ;-)

    • Deb

    For your French friends, you might think of trying the musical group The 5 6 7 8s. Although, they’re not like the B52s except that they have numbers in their name.

    Big challenge on Betty Crocker and Martha Stewart. Have you seen Very Good Things (http://verygoodthings.blogspot.com/) yet? It gives a good wrap up of all things Martha except her wedding fascination and gardening (to come next month). I’d use the word diva, though.

    Food to be eating while driving — attributable to the very bad American lifestyle of not savoring food and choosing to put all other things ahead of taking the time to have a relaxing meal with family and/friends. That, and compulsive, reward-centric eating (see obesity and eating disorders). Which is not to say that I haven’t eaten sesame seed pretzels in my car during road trips, but I’d rather sit down and enjoy food, even if it’s by myself with a book.

    Rocky Road ice cream — a good excuse to eat marshmallows, nuts and chocolate. And, why do people eat bubblegum ice cream? That’s a bigger mystery to me.

    Treehugger is great. I saw that post and came to your blog to see your comments. ;)

    Have you seen Shelterrific (http://www.shelterrific.com/)?

    Ok enough rambling. Have a great weekend!

    • Jess

    I actually just had a chunk of the Montgomery Cheddar used in that sandwich! Reichl was right, wasn’t she?

    • anne

    betty crocker = dr. oetker?

    wait, that’s german…

    • Alisa

    and if i get you that for your birthday, will you demonstrate?

    • Judith in Umbria

    Aha! I know almost all of those, but what I don’t understand is why such unattractive and puerile types keep you breathless?
    I have a friend who is 62, intelligent, accomplished and takes care of her stroke afflicted husband (and has for over 20 years) while holding down a full-time job. I asked her why she loved M Stewart and she said, “Nobody else has ever thought of explaining how to perfectly make a bed, or any of the many things she bothers with.” Hmm, I never cared. Betty Crocker is just Anywoman as proposed by those who would like to keep us in the kitchen. I have seen the image proposed as B C over the many years she has existed. She is always the woman that you wouldn’t notice at all, but would trust to hold your baby pram while you unlocked the trunk of your car. Customer service is inexplicable to Europeans. The customer is always a power-maddened idiot who should just throw the thing away and buy a new one and let you get on with your coffee and gossip. Bake sales are a subtle way to promote Betty Crocker behavior so that kids can do expensive things they really should just skip or earn the money for by mowing lawns or washing cars. Doughboy was surely invented to make Donald Trump feel human? Treehugger is a person who can’t find a man/woman and since convents are out of style, instead dedicates him/herself to nature. RR ice cream needs no explanation. Make it and force them to taste it. The electoral college was invented by Rhode Islanders so they wouldn’t have to become part of Connecticut to have a vote.
    You are on your own with B52s, because I haven’t a clue. And who is Star Jones Reynolds? Does she know Carmen Electra? Is she ever on “Go Fug Yourself?”

    • Joe Kissell

    I was among the many Americans who didn’t understand the B-52’s for years, but after a long period of immersion, I came to appreciate them deeply. I don’t know whether this will help your French friends, but I wrote an article about the B-52’s for Interesting Thing of the Day (click my name for the link).

    • Mark

    FYI…The “great method” link in “for using up my mini-marshmallows” reloads the page.

    • Eyal

    LOL, Francois the artist.

    The passion fruit puree – look on the bright side of it: you didn’t pay for a product that will probably vanish in the french post’s abyss.

    nice use of the marshmallows – how did it fit well in the ice cream?

    Tom et al. – are they really so important to anybody? media makes it an issue but we still have the power to change the channel or turn the page of the paper and continue with our much more interesting lives.

    David, thanks for this post too.

    • Mark

    The shaveeverywhere.com link is incorrect in “There’s a new product that can change everything, everywhere.”

    • Jason Sholar

    Again, someone calling him “The Pillsbury Dough Boy.” His name is “Poppin’ Fresh.”

    • Dianka

    This is hilarious! I love it!

    • David

    Aarrggh. Sorry about the broken links. I use Movable Type and have to code everything in HTML on a 3-inch screen,

    So when you see:

    DAVID…

    I have to type in code that just looks kinda like:

    “>a href=”https://fat-dailynews.info target”=”blank”>DAVID>/a>”.

    It drives me crazy and is a gazillion keystrokes..help!

    • peggycooks

    Can’t respond to any of #10. Does this mean you’ve already successfully explained Peanut Butter?

    Can your neighbors explain to us:
    Striking *fill in the blank with minor functionary job*; the popularity of Jane Birkin, Jerry Lewis and Michael Jackson; Michelin maps with impossibly small roads and tiny meaningless numbers all over them; the Citroen; the demise of the Concorde.

    • Annie

    Ha! David, what a funny submission today. It sounds like you’re having a very, er, introspective weekend!
    By the way, I am now completely focused on getting (making?) some really good rocky road ice cream and shaving my… legs. :)

    • yoony

    i loved the norelco ad!!! brilliance. haha… still laughin. by the way, i got my package of pocket coffee. at first i was thinking, i spent $100 on a this small box of chocolates?! then i had my first one. it was AMAZING. im afraid im going to get more and also that my boyfriend is going to steal all of em.

    • David

    Kevin: My guests would perhaps prefer that I reverse your order, and trim the chives first, then move on to greener pastures.

    Peggy: I don’t know about the rest, but they say if the La Concorde was built by Boeing, US airports would have put out a better acceuil and it would have succeeded had America adopted it. And for the record, I still think Michael Jackson rocks, although sister Janet scares me more and more everyday.

    Annie: The shaver’s for men only. Don’t you gals have more than your share of shavers and waxers? Share the pain, girlfriend.

    Yoony: If you can afford all that Pocket Coffee, the shaver’s a bargain.

    Alisa: You buy it… I’ll demo it.
    But do I bring the kiwis, or do you?

    Jason: Is that what he told you? That little dough-for-brains good-for-nothing rubber freak who presides over my kitchen (although he does make a mean batch of crescent rolls, from what I hear.)

    Judith: I’ve had French people complain about service in Italy. Glad to know they’re getting a (bitter) taste of their own medicine. Speaking of which, my medical lab keeps billing me for my last test, even though I have the receipt (you learn here, to save EACH and EVERY slip of paper in your life since they never believe you and mysteriously, they never seem to have your payment records… just the billing part).
    When I went in with le dossier and waited for l’eternitie, they acted like it my all my fault. I guess that’s what happens when you spend your days looking at pee-pee and poo-poo. Serves ’em right.

    Jeff: Sheesh. Just scrolling through that gave me carpal-tunnel. Better stick with Movable Type (my server isn’t compatable with WordPress either.) Still, I feel my reader’s painn and pray they feel mine.

    • Judith in Umbria

    I find to my regret that everything paper that comes from any transaction has to be saved from 1 to 10 years in Italy! Who knew?
    I would pay the annual car tax and toss the old one. Of course! In reality, they have so little confidence in their own record keeping that they require that you keep the receipt for 10 years. If you sell the car and don’t have them, you have to pay all the supposed back taxes plus penalties.
    You must carry the receipt from a cup of coffee at least 100 meters from the bar. €150 fine for you if you don’t have it and €1500 for the bar owner.
    You are also required to keep your own medical records, including Xrays and test results.
    This in a country in which I have the only closet, whre I’d hoped to keep wine.

    • Tana

    Do you have any idea how much #9 cracked me up? The first guy I knew who shaved Other Places Than Their Faces was a gay body builder. Oh, did he love his reflection.

    And no, you really can’t explain the B-52s to anybody. Do the French understand PeeWee Herman?

    • Jess

    Off the top of my head…

    Martha Stewart = It’s ok to be a snob.

    Foods designed to be eaten = reassures us that others are as busy as ourselves — therefore its ok to eat crap — Really, because billions have been served.

    Betty Crocker= reassures women who don’t cook that they will not be TOTAL failures as wives and mothers.

    The Customer is Always right = Becuase we want to believe that we do, truly, deserve “it”.

    The b-52’s = because we all secretly wanted to be theatre geeks in high school.

    Public schools and bake sales= sorry, no good @#$@#! explanation for that one.

    Tree-hugger= a term dumb men use to attempt to emasculate men who are smarter (and usually hotter).

    Pillsbury Dough Boy= Evil. Evil. Evil.

    Rocky road Ice Cream= American’s are sugar whores.

    Electoral College= decisions by committee usually suck in a bad way.

A

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