What They Say vs What They Mean
Sorry to see all the long faces out there.
And I’m not talking about all the Celine Dion billboards around town promoting her upcoming concert.
Which I am sorry to have to see.
(The billboards, I mean…not the concert.)
Anyhow, to cheer you up about me not coming to your town, or to prepare you if I am, here’s a post from my archives that gave me a good chuckle when I re-read it last weekend. I was at a friend’s house who made killer carnitas and guacamole, along with a copious blenderload of mind-bending margaritas. She’d printed this out and taped it to her fridge when I posted it a while back when I had pondered some of the curious and profound cultural peculiarities around here, which occasionally prompts the necessitude for hi-test margaritas, when all the red wine just isn’t quite enough…
What They Say vs What They Mean
When they say,“Non”, they mean, “Convince me.”
When they say,“We do not take returns”, they mean,“Convince me.”
When they say,“It’s not broken“, they mean,“Convince me.”
When they say, “You need a prescription for that”, they mean,“Convince me.”
When they say,“The restaurant is completely full”, they mean,“Please come up with a better story.”
When they say,“The restaurant is completely full”, they mean,“We already have enough Americans in here.”
When they say,“Do you mind if I smoke?”, they mean,
“If you don’t say ‘yes’, we’re going to pout and scowl at you while you’re trying to enjoy your dinner.”
When they say,“It does not exist”, they mean, “It does exists…just not for you.”
When they walk right into you on the street and say nothing, they mean,“I’m Parisian.”
When they say,“I don’t have change”, they mean,“I want a tip.”
When they say,“Would you like directions?” they mean, “I look forward to telling you what to do for the next five minutes.”
When they say, “I’d like the practice my English”, they mean,“For the next 20 minutes, you’ll feel like a complete idiot while I speak perfect English and demonstrate a far better understanding of language skills and world affairs than you’ll ever be able to.”
When they say,“They’re up on the seventh floor”, they mean,
“They’re right around the corner from where you’re standing.”
When they say,“We don’t have any more”, they mean,“We have lots more. But they’re in the back.”
When they say,“It’s not my fault”, they mean,“It is my fault…but I’m not taking the blame.”
When they say, “That is not possible”, they mean,“Loser.”
When they say, “I am a Socialist”, they mean,“I’m not responsible for picking up my dog’s poop.”
When they say, “You package hasn’t arrived”, they mean, “I’m just about to go on break. Come back and wait in line for 30 minutes again tomorrow.”
When they say, “The fat’s the best part!” , they mean, “I’m under 40.”
When they say, “The cheeses in France are the best in the world”, they mean, “We are indeed a superior culture.”
When they say, “America is culturally-deprived”, they mean,“Please don’t show us Sharon Stone’s vagina again.”
